Evel Knievel

Breaking News: Santa is boycotting the USA 2016

Dec 15th, 2016

Dear Santa,
I have been very good this year. I moved, I told my friends I love them, and I cut my porn viewing in half.

I would like an Evel Knievel motorcycle, like when I was a kid, and some Planet of the Apes stuff. Either the original movies or the new reboot, but not the Tim

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I need this.

Burton Planet of the Apes because he sucks as a storyteller. I already have the movies so I would prefer toys. I have an Amazon wishlist if you need help. No grey socks please.

I can’t wait till Christmas to open the presents you brought me. I will leave you cookies and milk incase you are hungry.

Your friend
–Sammy,  13770 Center St. STE 101, Carmel Valley CA 93924

I received this in the mail from Santa.

Dear Sammy,

Blow me, you ain’t gettin’ shit.

What did you do to help anyone? What makes you think that you deserve an Evil Knievel or Planet of the Apes stuff? How do consider yourself a member of the greatest country when you have ignored the suffering of other lives? You have the power and resources to help yet you don’t.

You are a dick.

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And what would you like for Christmas little girl? How about a Barbie ?

What did you do when you saw atrocities around the world? Ask friends to help? Yeah like that’ll work. They turn it into a political discussion and pat themselves on the back for who they voted for. Trying to gain points against each other to defend the actions of your leaders who don’t care what you think. You have aligned yourself with a group who cares more about where they can pee than the lives of innocent children.

You are pissed at Starbucks but not at genocide. You boycotted events you weren’t going to, and even in your protest you gave up nothing. You slept like a baby while families with babies plead for your help. You turned your back on them as you spend your extra income buying Secret Santa gifts for people you would have never given a gift to in the first place.

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There is a country missing from this chart

You have no problem taking lives, you have a problem saving lives. You have made a point to kick ass over flag burning because it stands for sacrifice, freedom, and the American dream. Good thing you have a symbol of this because your actions show just the opposite. Maybe you should work on generosity, compassion, and empathy and then act on it. Act on it because it’s the right thing to do, not because it will make you a buck.

You spent ten years shoving “Freedom” down Iraq’s throat but won’t cross the street for the people who need the freedom.

You worry about terrorism. This is understandable. You have taken in refugees before. Just not now. You are scared that others will have the same if not more than yourself and you can’t live with that. You don’t even try to come up with a plan. Just keep them away. Let Iraq, Lebanon, and Turkey show their compassion. Then wonder why the refugees align themselves with those who saved them and resent those who didn’t.

You tell me “We have people in need here in America.” True. Very true. You also have a system set up to take care of the poor and needy. It’s called social services and welfare, food stamps, and housing. You refer to these people as leeches. How humanitarian is that? Your kindness comes with the cost of shaming those who need it just because you don’t.

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We all agree. You suck!

You pray to gods. You tell yourself it’s fine because you donated a few bucks while everyone was watching at churches but turn your back when they aren’t. There are hundreds of religions. Here is what a few of them say;

Christians               1 John 3:17-18

But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

Baha’i                       Bahá’u’lláh

O Divine Providence! All existence is begotten by Thy bounty; deprive it not of the waters of Thy generosity, neither do Thou withhold it from the ocean of Thy mercy.

Buddhism

Practice compassion to overcome cruelty. Compassion has the capacity to remove the suffering of others without expecting anything in return.

Confucianism           (Analects of Confucius, Book II.1)

“Let a ruler base his government upon virtuous principles, and he will be like the pole-star, which remains steadfast in its place, while all the host of stars turn towards it.”

Islam

“Every new breath that Allah allows you to take is not just a blessing but also a responsibility”

Hinduism

Tradition says that a place at the table should always be left for atithi (the unexpected guest).

Judaism

To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

Do any of these religions apply to you?

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Give me each day my daily bread and my neighbor’s too, and make sure it comes at the expense of others. In your name we pray. Amen

I know you are an Atheist Sammy. So you don’t have the fear of hell to make you do the right thing. What have you done? Posted a few articles that disturbed people as they shopped Amazon because when it comes to the ones you love, make sure you put as little effort into it as possible. No one wants your homemade gift. Just because you are struggling to make ends meet is no reason not to buy something instead making it yourself. You are ruining the Spirit of Christmas when you do that. What if everybody did that? Christmas would become a commercial joke. Take your song or your artwork and shove them up your ass. Buy a juicer. Something they can return and get the money for.

You have recently had an election. You all were disgusted by your choices. They both were shitty people. Don’t fool yourself, they haven’t cornered the market on being a shitty person.

I could go on but I’m sick to my stomach. You spend the day working and checking Facebook. In that time you could take a minute and call or email your Congressman and pressure him to help. Did you? Sometimes. Did you do it regularly? Nope….

So to wrap it up (no pun intended) Do something next time. Once you know of an atrocity and do nothing, the blood is on your hands as well.

You deserve nothing

Go fuck yourself,
–Santa


If you decide to help here are some choices:

If you decide not to here are some choices:

I fuckin’ hate Christmas
-Sammy

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Sushi?! Back home we call that ‘Bait’

My lady was eating sushi the other day. It reminded me of the saying “we call that ‘bait’” but not always… There are guys back home that do a type of fishing called Hoggin’.

Hoggin’ is where you and a buddy, go down to the river and you hop in the water and feel around for a hole or a hollow log. Catfish spend most of their time sedentary and laying in a hole or a hollow log.

When you find that hole you hold your breath and go underwater and then proceed to stick your arm into a hole that you can’t see because of the muddy waters that flow down the Embarras (am-BRA) River. If you are lucky, the catfish will attack you in an effort to escape the hole and it bites your hand. Then you hold onto its mouth and yank it out of the water. It’s very eco-friendly.

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Fish Bait not Sushi.

A catfish is really nothing to mess with. They have TEETH! These guys can pull out monster fish. Unlucky Hoggers can lose a finger to a snapping turtle, snakes, or a muskrat all of which also like to live in the abandoned catfish holes. These men have more courage or less sense than I will ever have. They fish with integrity.

When I was a kid there were two certainties in life

  • Muhammad Ali was always the Champion.
  • Evel Knievel was the toughest man ever.

May 26, 1975. Wembley Arena, London UK. Evel Knievel will jump over thirteen busses. His farthest jump ever.

Earlier that day Evel walks into the empty arena. He was wearing his leathers from the night before, he smells of alcohol and loose women, having been on a bender the past few days. Standing with the ABC Wide World of Sports crew was announcer Frank Gifford.

Frank says “how ya doin’ Evel?” with a knowing chuckle.

Evel replies “I’m feelin’ kinda crispy around the edges Frank.”

Evel takes a look at the thirteen busses and turns to Frank and says “I can’t jump that.”

Frank shocked at Evel’s comment says “WHAT??!”

Evel replies calmly, “I can’t jump that far.”

Frank Says “Come on Evel, let’s get the hell out here. We’ll come up with something.”

Evel says “No no no. I said I was gonna jump. I’m gonna jump. What do you want me to do? Give all these people their money back?”

Ninety-thousand people have filled the arena. Evel steps out of his trailer red, white and mostly blue leathers, cape and cane in hand. Flashbulbs are popping, The American National Anthem is blasting out the PA and fireworks are lighting up the air.

Evel mounts his bike. Not a Japanese crotch rocket, but a heavy ole’Harley Davidson. He
revves up the bike and takes off ,popping wheelies and putting on a show for the crowd who’ve come to see this former white-trash, county fair stuntman.

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May 26th, 1975. Wembley Arena

Evel rides up the edge of the landing ramp and gazes across. The take-off ramp is a stretched rubber band that fades off into the rafters. He takes a run at the ramp but at the last minute he turns and speeds by, milking the suspense and bringing the crowd to frenzy like only a dirt-track-carnie can.

Evel takes one more false run before hitting his ramp and roaring his Harley up the bleachers to the top platform where he turns, then pulls the front wheel right to the edge of the ramp.

Evel is now looking at a ribbon of plywood that ends where the thirteen busses start. He can see completely across the distance he has to jump. He in his mind he knows he’s not going to make it.

With a deep breath and a quick prayer, Evel gives his crew the thumbs up. It’s a go!

Evel guns the Harley and screams down the nearly vertical ramp! He’s helling down at top speed! The crowd is on its feet. The screaming is deafening! More flashbulbs pop as Evel hits the end of the ramp and into history!!!!! Now THAT is integrity.

Muhammad Ali died yesterday.

In my mind there are still two certainties.

  • Muhammad Ali will always be the Champion of the World.
  • Evel Knievel will always be the toughest man ever.

You can’t say they weren’t men of their word.

Mom and Dad let me stay up late and watch Ali fight on TV late in his career. That was pretty cool.


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